Imperialist Papers Lying About Me Again

The Sunday Times is not from Zimbabwe. It is from South Africa and it controlled by white imperialists. The black faces are just window dressing. So I am not surprised that they have a story in today's edition claiming that my wife transferred US92 000 to Malaysia for our holiday?

Can you imagine the cheek! Liars. Lying imperialist gutter press! Let me set the record straight right here right now, because my wife is inconsolable now, won't stop crying because of this insult.

The truth is that we have NOT transferred US$92 000 to Malaysia. That is a lie. In fact, we have transferred US$392 000 to Malaysia. My wife is quite upset, because all her First Lady friends will think her poor now. What is ninety-two thousand dollars? What can you buy with it? It is not even enough just for accommodation, for crying out loud? What do these people take us for, beggars?

So let that record be set straight. We are not poor people who expect to live on a mere US$92 000 on holiday overseas. We have standards to maintain. I am one of the elder statesmen in Africa and I can not be expected to rough it when I take a much-needed break. I hope you spread the word, you see. We can not have people telling such nonsense about us! 

Zimbabwe will never be colony again.

What, simply because we are black you think we can only afford US$92 000? So that when we get to Malaysia to we can rough it? That money quoted by the Sunday Times is only enough maybe for a night or two of camping, not living as a president should.

And we'd have to eat bread and baked beans just to make that pitiful amount last the entire holiday. No, ladies and gentlemen, 392 thousand is what we got, so you can forget about seeing me running off to the ablutions block early in the morning at some campsite in Malaysia. It is the good life for me. I spent 11 years in jail and this is my time to live it up!

I thought I would tell you all this in case you believe those lies.

If you don't mind, I have to and supervise the packing. Our youngest, Bellamime, is a handful and he may well pack a couple of grenades while we are not looking. Last holiday he stole an AK47 from one of my guards here and put it at the bottom of his suitcase. He then produced it at the Presidential Palace in Malaysia while we were paying a courtesy call there. There was pandemonium in that place and he escaped being shot by those pesky Asians only because the Malaysian president thought on his feet and reacted quickly to the sound of cocking guns.

So I have to be off.

Cheerio.

On Holiday, Yay!

Soooo, I am on holiday now, although it's not much of a holiday because my work is never done! I must just say that starting this diary was a very good idea, I think. My son, Robert Junior, suggested this. And he set it up all for me. He also does what he calls "configuring" for my iphone. It is a phone from Apples, apparently, although it looks all steel to me. I can't find anything connected with apples in it except an icon (Oh, sorry, Robert Jnr says it's called a logo).

Anyway, I was saying I am on holiday but it is not really a holiday. For example, I have to go off to Russia just now and see President Putin. Oh, wait, he is Prime Minister now, he put some guy in as President. It's like what I am trying to do with Morgan Tsvangirai, that British puppet (I prefer the term Brutish puppet myself). Did you know, he was training bandits to topple me?! Can you imagine that? Topple me!!?

I will also be joining the family in Malaysia where they will be on holiday. I will probably go to the beach, although I will never wear a swimsuit and I forbid my wife from wearing one. Our culture does not allow for us to parade around naked. But speaking of Morgan........

Anyway, to stay in power, one has to be pragmatic, you see, so I allow him to become Prime Minister and I remain in charge. I am getting on a bit, so he can see to the repairing of the economy that he destroyed CALLING FOR SANCTIONS, idiot! (I guess you can tell I am pretty pissed off about all this. Why call for sanctions on me and not on my friend Yoweri Museveni, for instance, who is just as bad? Or on Putin, in fact? What about my dear friend Mswati? Why pick on me? I'll tell you: it is because I took back land from their white children. But I am not going back on that one. I have just asked Didymus (he is a bit thick but useful when you want stuff done) to ensure that we give some of those white farmers 99 year leases. You should be hearing about this in a couple of week or so. But they will never get their title deeds back. Even Morgan agrees on that one.

And I got a call from President Motlanthe yesterday. Tsvangirai wanted a meeting with me, you see. He is afraid because we rumbled his banditry corner shop and thinks we are going to arrest him if he comes back. So he wanted a meeting to get reassurance.

I am not interested. Neither is Motlanthe. Comrade Mbeki is the mediator and Morgan must learn to deal with him instead of trying to undermine him.

Morgan is a bit thick, you know, like Didymus. He shouted at Mbeki, did you hear? And now he has got no friends in SADC. Whereas, in the same SADC, they are ALL my friends! Morgan (His name should be spelt Moron) has a lot to learn and I could have taught him if he was not so damned stupid that he allows little girls from America calling themselves Undersecretaries of State etc to order him around.

Anyway, my porridge is getting cold. I have to go. I eat porridge made from millet every morning, and I add peanut butter to it. I love peanut butter on everything, including biltong, which I eat with my sadza (South Africans call it Pap!)

I'll tell you more soon. Right now, I got to eat porridge, I am starving after my exercises (I do yoga as well as walking up and down the stairs at the house here in Helensvale every morning. It works a treat for my appetite!)

Cheerio, see you soon, Come back, you hear, or I will have my boys come round and talk to you. Ask Morgan, you don't want my boys talking to you.

My Diary

So there I was over Christmas with Bellamime and Robert Jnr and Bona and Grace, at home. And we'd just finished eating our roast turkey (the sauce was yummy). I don't much like all these other foods.

I like my traditional food. Grace will tell you I will only ever eat sadza made from millet flour, not maize meal (ugh). I also like my vegetables, so I enjoyed the peas Grace put together with the turkey. The second course was fish, which is a bit better. I remember going off fishing when I was younger, but sometimes I would lose the fishing rods from being engrossed in a book or somethin.

Right, I am assuming you know who I am. Half the world hates me and the other just loves me to bits. You may well hate me, but I'vr never let that bother me.

I had to fire a few ministers a couple of days back and it wasn't a tough job at all. Most of them had been camapigning for that little boy, Simba Makoni. But I still have a heart, you know - I waited until after Christmas to fire them.

And they also drive away in their ministerial Benzes, you see. They have a nice pension and all the rest of it and I know most of them had started businesses when they were ministers, so I don't feel guilty at all. In fact, I feel pretty damn angry. They are counter revolutionaries, backstabbers and idiots. I really ought to have arranged for them to be covered in honey and left on an anthill out in the Savannah. (Hwange Game Reserve is particularly nice this time of the year what with the rains and the whole place green and lush. 

So, as I was saying, I fired them and now I am waiting on that puppet of the British, Tsvangirai, to show up, so that we can get this show on the road. He is giving all sorts of excuses: oh, I need my passport, so we give him the damn thing, or I need that minsitry - so we give to him, oh, and that one as well........Good god, man, shut up! Do as you are told. After all, I am the president, I am your boss....

Oh, sorry, have to go, I need to catch the 9 p.m. bulletin on CNN, our local news, which starts at 8, is quite boring, I never watch it. I mean, they just repeat of footage of me as a young man and can't stop going on and on about me. Quite depressing. Despite my robuts health I am 84 years old , you know, and it really isn't nice to have to look at yourself when you were 55. Depresing, that's the word.

So if you don't mind, I leave you for a bit.

Check in anytime This is my diary, I will be sharing with you my thoughts and my life. Isn't technology wonderful? I don't know, I am 84 and I never imagined any of this. I even have a cellphone. I could have got a private jet if I wanted, but there is no point when I can take any aeroplane I want at any time from Air Zimbabwe.