Tsvangirai Is In A Fix Ha ha ha ha and Update On The Family

When my son, Robert Jnr (I am quite proud of him and hope he will take over the family business when I am done) convinced me to to start this blog thing, I had no idea how hard it would be to keep it up!!

Anyway, I have been silent on this here blog for a month now, so I thought I would update you all.

I have been busy harvesting our maize, tobacco and other things at our various farms this month. April is traditionally the month of harvests in Zimbabwe and we are no exception.

There is the Norton farm, just outside Harare, on the way to our rural home in Zvimba, actually, on which we grow mostly maize and stuff. This has been very bountiful this year.

We managed to get more than 200 tonnes of maize. One of my workers claims that some of those 200 tonnes were confiscated from neighbouring white and black farmers by my manager in order to impress me with a bumper harvest. But I have no way to prove this, you see.

In any case, most of you know that Joseph Made, who was my minister of agriculture for the longest time and was quite hated by those racist Rhodesian farmers is my manager at my farms. I only provide moral support and, of course foreign currency to get these Zimbabwean operations going. Made does all the donkey work.

I don't pay him, since I have brought him back into government. He should be grateful for that and it appears that he genuinely is grateful. He has never asked for pay and I have never offered.

So it is fair deal from all indications.

Our Iron Mask Farm, which is in the Mazoe area of Zimbabwe is also doing well and I will be heading there this weekend, after the Worker's Day holiday in order to take a look around and see what has been harvested there.

On the government front, much was made of the fact that I "disemboweled" Nelson Chamisa's ministry (the word comes from that odious little man, Denford Magora, who is causing us all (including Tsvangirai) quite a few headaches with his attacks - he works for yet another odious little man, Simba Makoni, who I wish would just go away and stop making noise about his non-existent party).

Thing is, I am President, like I told Morgan. I can do whatever I want with ministries and ministers. He has to learn to accept this. But he is a bit thick so it will take several meetings to get this message to sink into his head.

I have even more shocks up my sleeve for him!!

General Chiwengwa, my Defence Forces Commander here in Zimbabwe, dropped by yesterday and was filling me in on the goings on in the army and air force and even the police and it appears all those branches of the uniformed forces are playing ball with us.

Morgan can go and sulk, I really do not care. We are going to make sure that he never wins another election. He he he.

As for the family, Grace is a bit under the weather, but I do not think it is anything that a bit of shopping in Singapore or Malaysia can not cure.

Our daughter, Bona, is back at University in Hong Kong. She is getting a very fine education there and I am happy about that.

What I am not happy about is this English boyfriend of hers, who has now set up camp in Hong Kong, according to the security guys. I have never much liked the British and my distaste for them grew after 1999 when that gay gangster, Tony Blair took over as Prime Minister. He corrupted the whole country and I am afraid I will never be able to visit Britain again, even if that unfair travel ban is lifted.

I will never be free in that country like I am here in Zimbabwe.

What sort of country is it that does not allow you to beat up anyone who badmouthes you, I ask?

Still, Bona will come round. It is always like this with these young ones!

Our last born is with us here in Zimbabwe and having quite a time. He is now back at school, where I had to tell the headmaster to go to hell because he wanted school fees in foreign currency.

I told him that we are in Zimbabwe and we will use Zimbabwe dollars for our school fees. If he does not like it, he can take a hike. Our foreign currency (forex, as the young ones call it), is only for Bona's school fees in Hong Kong, Grace's shopping and things like that. We would never waste it on a Zimbabwean education.

I am thinking seriously about getting Chatunga to attend an international school, but there are so many foreigners who hate me at these school and I fear for him. So, for now, we have to make do with the local schools, which have been destroyed by the unfair and illegal sanctions imposed on us by Britain and America.

Speaking of which, Barak Obama has already been in touch. He says his hands are tied, he can not lift the sanctions because the people who funded his campaign, some group of super-rich people who control the world and who call themselves the Bilderberg Group, won't have any of it.

I told him to do like I do, lock them up and throw away the keys: problem solves. But he started mouthing off about democracy and freedom (my mind switched off at the first mention of "human rights"), so I hung up on him.

I hear he has since complained to Jacob Zuma, the new South African president, that I am impossible!!

Well, I will not be losing any sleep over that.

Anyway, I hear the combine harvester starting outside: it is time to go and do some work!!!

I will definitely try to be more available to you. Robert junior (he is taller than me now!) says it is good to keep in touch more frequently, so I will try to do as he says!!

Cheerio, till next time.

Grace Beat Up An Englishman - Good on You, Darling!

Sorry,  I have been busy of late. Although I am supposed to be on holiday, there is still a government to be formed, you see.

Tsvangirai has been playing games but the SADC Heads of State have had enough of that! That is another story. I just wanted you to understand that I fully support my wife for beating up that impertinent photographer in Hong Kong. I wish I could do the same, but I am president and I can't. Besides, my bodyguards won't even allow me to get near these scum to teach them a lesson.

Truth is, I can still box and I would box those kids' ears good if I got a chance. Ask that gay gangster Peter Tatchell or whatever his name is. He got a black eye from me when he tried to "arrest" me a few years back and I beat him good. There are even photos of him nursing a black eye from me on the Internet!

Don't mess with the Mugabe's, is what I always say. We are from tough stock, you know.

Anyway, Grace is back here now, with Bona, our first born daughter, whom she gone to collect from Hong Kong University for her holidays. And we had a good laugh. These paparazzi think that they own the world and nothing can be done to them. They invade our privacy and do all sorts of nasty things, thinking the world belongs to them.

This is what Grace told me about that incident in Hong Kong: She was having a nice cuppa in the lounge of the Shang-ri La with Bona when this Jones fellow came up and asked sarcastically if she was enjoying her stay in a 5 star hotel while people died of Cholera in Zimbabwe. Mind you, this is cholera that the British themselves brought on us because of their sanctions on the country. We also suspect that they released the cholera into our cities in a bid to get us our people to rebel against us, you know. 

She did not want any trouble, so she denied that she was Grace Mugabe and the guy walked away. She thought that was the end of it.

But when she left the hotel, there was this idiot again, snapping away. Now, she was not on official business, and if she is she is normally very tolerant of these photographers. So, she saw this fat thing snapping away at her and she snapped. She told Richard, one of her bodyguards to just get the camera from him and destroy the film or card if it was digital. 

The photographer refused, clinging on to the camera because this meant money, filthy lucre! So Grace walked over to him and started whacking him over the head and face. She was wearing that beautiful wedding ring I got her when we wed and it caused some serious damage!

Grace managed to get the camera and to remove his card and stomp on it, so there will never be photos to prove it was her who did this.

We are denying everything to the Hong Kong Police. Not because we are afraid or anything. No. We just don't want the fuss. Besides, Grace has got diplomatic immunity, so she is not going to be answering any questions from anybody.

Anyway, Bona will be going back soon and she is enrolled under an assumed name at the University. Only the top people there know who she really is and she is having a ball. She even says she is dating now, although I have not seen the boyfriend yet. Her mother, Grace, has and she says he is a nice English boy, very respectful. We'll see, I may well be a grandfather soon if she is not careful!!

Anyway, I got to rush now, Moron Tsvangirai of the MDC called last night begging to see me. Claims there are people in his party who want to destroy the unity agreement when the Executive of the MDC meets on Friday, which is the day after tomorrow!

So I asked him to stop by today and have chat and I can give him advice and some pointers on how to whip his party into line. I don't have such indiscipline in my party and I can teach him how to also have the same amount of control in his own party.

I think he may not be as bad as his supporters make him out to be. He himself is sensible and correct, always respectful to me when we meet, "Comrade Preside this, Comrade President that, .......thank you sir......yes sir....." I am beginning to like him and may not even have to get him arrested after all.

Anyways, regards and cheers, I will spill the beans after I meet with him in a few minutes time.