We Never Tortured That Child

So there is this whole noise about little Nigel. Some people where even saying that I was personally responsible for torturing that child. Well, I was nowhere near Chikurubi you know. I did not even about this kid until some smart alec decided to tell the world about this.

I admit it, we did torture the mother to get her to admit that she was a bandit for Morgan, but we did not torture the child, despite what that Denford Magora and those lawyers are saying. And even with the mother, it was not really torture, you know. You just smack them around a bit to show them who is boss. You can not call that torture. George Bush has done worse things.

So there you have another lie. Yes, the kid was in prison, but we did not touch him. We tortured the mother, I admit, but we are not doing anything George Bush has not done, you see. 

But the way this Magora fellow went on and on about it, you'd think we were the first to break a ring of bandits. My first-born son, Robert Junior, surfs a lot and he is the one who told me about this Denford Magora blog and you have to see what he wrote to believe it. If you want, you can go to his blog and see his article by clicking on these words.

That is where he started a petition for the little boy and all the white people went crazy signing up. I guess it proved to them that I was a dictator or an ogre. We will deal with that Denford Magora, I tell you. No, we will not torture him or arrest him, otherwise his friends all over the world who rushed to to sign his blog will have another cause. We will just find other ways to make his life hell, you see.

On another note, Morgan has messed up my week, you know. I was supposed to fly off to Russia this coming week. Tomorrow, in fact. But now I can not do that, because Morgan managed to talk the South African president and the Mozambican president to come through here and hear him whine even more about ministries he wants from me.

Tough luck. I am supposed to be on holiday and I can tell you that the meeting is going to be very frosty, because he is disturbing my peace, you know. I am supposed to be resting, and he wants to come here with vexatious and ill-informed demands. He should be grateful I am even talking to him. I could have ignore him. I could have sent the army out and simply declared myself president as per my election in June, which he chickened out of because he saw I was going to beat him black and blue!

Speaking of which, we did indeed beat some of his supporters black and blue. They do not want to listen. They are told not to vote for Morgan. They are told they will be beaten if they do so, and still they persist. So they got they just deserts. And I got elected.

YOU GOT BUSH?: ELECTED. I am no dictator and those who keep calling me that are getting on my nerves.

Still, all is well, Morgan has agreed with me that I can not be removed from power. He will have to come and report to me as Prime Minister if he agrees to go into government with me. If not, we will see if we can beat him up again like we did two years ago, get him to see some sense, you see.

Right, my entry for the day is done. Do drop by and take a look around. I expect I should be off to Russia by the end of the week and I will also be updating my diary from there. Maybe in Russian, if I can find a translator whom Comrade Putin has not had shot or skewered.

On Holiday, Yay!

Soooo, I am on holiday now, although it's not much of a holiday because my work is never done! I must just say that starting this diary was a very good idea, I think. My son, Robert Junior, suggested this. And he set it up all for me. He also does what he calls "configuring" for my iphone. It is a phone from Apples, apparently, although it looks all steel to me. I can't find anything connected with apples in it except an icon (Oh, sorry, Robert Jnr says it's called a logo).

Anyway, I was saying I am on holiday but it is not really a holiday. For example, I have to go off to Russia just now and see President Putin. Oh, wait, he is Prime Minister now, he put some guy in as President. It's like what I am trying to do with Morgan Tsvangirai, that British puppet (I prefer the term Brutish puppet myself). Did you know, he was training bandits to topple me?! Can you imagine that? Topple me!!?

I will also be joining the family in Malaysia where they will be on holiday. I will probably go to the beach, although I will never wear a swimsuit and I forbid my wife from wearing one. Our culture does not allow for us to parade around naked. But speaking of Morgan........

Anyway, to stay in power, one has to be pragmatic, you see, so I allow him to become Prime Minister and I remain in charge. I am getting on a bit, so he can see to the repairing of the economy that he destroyed CALLING FOR SANCTIONS, idiot! (I guess you can tell I am pretty pissed off about all this. Why call for sanctions on me and not on my friend Yoweri Museveni, for instance, who is just as bad? Or on Putin, in fact? What about my dear friend Mswati? Why pick on me? I'll tell you: it is because I took back land from their white children. But I am not going back on that one. I have just asked Didymus (he is a bit thick but useful when you want stuff done) to ensure that we give some of those white farmers 99 year leases. You should be hearing about this in a couple of week or so. But they will never get their title deeds back. Even Morgan agrees on that one.

And I got a call from President Motlanthe yesterday. Tsvangirai wanted a meeting with me, you see. He is afraid because we rumbled his banditry corner shop and thinks we are going to arrest him if he comes back. So he wanted a meeting to get reassurance.

I am not interested. Neither is Motlanthe. Comrade Mbeki is the mediator and Morgan must learn to deal with him instead of trying to undermine him.

Morgan is a bit thick, you know, like Didymus. He shouted at Mbeki, did you hear? And now he has got no friends in SADC. Whereas, in the same SADC, they are ALL my friends! Morgan (His name should be spelt Moron) has a lot to learn and I could have taught him if he was not so damned stupid that he allows little girls from America calling themselves Undersecretaries of State etc to order him around.

Anyway, my porridge is getting cold. I have to go. I eat porridge made from millet every morning, and I add peanut butter to it. I love peanut butter on everything, including biltong, which I eat with my sadza (South Africans call it Pap!)

I'll tell you more soon. Right now, I got to eat porridge, I am starving after my exercises (I do yoga as well as walking up and down the stairs at the house here in Helensvale every morning. It works a treat for my appetite!)

Cheerio, see you soon, Come back, you hear, or I will have my boys come round and talk to you. Ask Morgan, you don't want my boys talking to you.