My Diary by Robert Mugabe

An Update on Government, The Family and The Farms

2009-05-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

Government business has kept me away for some time, but such is the life of a politician.

Today we heard from Morgan. He was telling the whole world about our little deal. I was sitting with General Chiwenga and Perance Shiri (his shoulder has healed now) in my office watching Tsvangirai on close-circuit TV (ours has sound).

Chiwenga could not stop laughing.

We got the Permanent Secretaries. We told Morgan that we will look into the appointment of Governors (as if!) and he announced that we had handed over 5 posts to his party.

I want to see who will swear them in.

I thought Tsvangirai would get the message when I told him that Bennett would be sworn when the Governors are sworn in. This is the same as saying he will be sworn in when hell freezes over.

Morgan dutifully announced to the press today that his friend would be sworn in when hell freezes over!

All my ambassadors will remain were they are.

Gideon Gono and Johannes Tomana are staying put. Tsvangirai can put that is his pipe and smoke it.

Still he appears happy enough. He really must just concentrate on doing the job of sorting out the economy.

Anyway, that's government. I win again and I remain on top. Go to SADC for them to moderate between us? I say bring it on. I know how to handle SADC. They are all my friends and they detest Tsvangirai. So I will be amongst friends, he amongst enemies.

Grace left yesterday for a flying visit to Bona. We are quite of the girl. She is doing very well at her University. The mother can not bear to be away from her for any period of time. She says she will go window shopping with Bona in Hong Kong and have tea or something.

I hope she finds someone to carry the windows back to Zimbabwe.

Robert Junior managed to sneak into a British Universiy under an assumed name. It is top university and only the Vice Chancellor knows who he is. It's lucky that I have kept my children out of media attention. No one will recognise him.

They will get a nasty surprise when he finally graduates. They will not be able to do anything about it then!

Chatunga (whom his mother insist on calling Bellamime) is doing well as Hartman College. It is a brilliant school and they were getting too happy, wanting to hike fees and so on and I immediately put a stop to that. The headmaster spent a couple of days at Matapi Police Station and that set him straight.

I have not heard anymore about increases in school fees after that.

As for my harvests, we got loads of maize this season. Joseph Made is still counting up the tonnes, but it will be a record-breaking year.

I am grateful to the South African for supplying me with 300 Rands worth of fertiliser and seed. It made the difference.

Tobacco we also got, although not in any spectacular amounts. It should be enough to pay for University fees and living expenses for Bona in Hong Kong for the rest of the year.

I am off to bed, today was a long day, so much strategising to do!

Oh, Robert junior says hello.

Tsvangirai Is In A Fix Ha ha ha ha and Update On The Family

2009-04-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

When my son, Robert Jnr (I am quite proud of him and hope he will take over the family business when I am done) convinced me to to start this blog thing, I had no idea how hard it would be to keep it up!!

Anyway, I have been silent on this here blog for a month now, so I thought I would update you all.

I have been busy harvesting our maize, tobacco and other things at our various farms this month. April is traditionally the month of harvests in Zimbabwe and we are no exception.

There is the Norton farm, just outside Harare, on the way to our rural home in Zvimba, actually, on which we grow mostly maize and stuff. This has been very bountiful this year.

We managed to get more than 200 tonnes of maize. One of my workers claims that some of those 200 tonnes were confiscated from neighbouring white and black farmers by my manager in order to impress me with a bumper harvest. But I have no way to prove this, you see.

In any case, most of you know that Joseph Made, who was my minister of agriculture for the longest time and was quite hated by those racist Rhodesian farmers is my manager at my farms. I only provide moral support and, of course foreign currency to get these Zimbabwean operations going. Made does all the donkey work.

I don't pay him, since I have brought him back into government. He should be grateful for that and it appears that he genuinely is grateful. He has never asked for pay and I have never offered.

So it is fair deal from all indications.

Our Iron Mask Farm, which is in the Mazoe area of Zimbabwe is also doing well and I will be heading there this weekend, after the Worker's Day holiday in order to take a look around and see what has been harvested there.

On the government front, much was made of the fact that I "disemboweled" Nelson Chamisa's ministry (the word comes from that odious little man, Denford Magora, who is causing us all (including Tsvangirai) quite a few headaches with his attacks - he works for yet another odious little man, Simba Makoni, who I wish would just go away and stop making noise about his non-existent party).

Thing is, I am President, like I told Morgan. I can do whatever I want with ministries and ministers. He has to learn to accept this. But he is a bit thick so it will take several meetings to get this message to sink into his head.

I have even more shocks up my sleeve for him!!

General Chiwengwa, my Defence Forces Commander here in Zimbabwe, dropped by yesterday and was filling me in on the goings on in the army and air force and even the police and it appears all those branches of the uniformed forces are playing ball with us.

Morgan can go and sulk, I really do not care. We are going to make sure that he never wins another election. He he he.

As for the family, Grace is a bit under the weather, but I do not think it is anything that a bit of shopping in Singapore or Malaysia can not cure.

Our daughter, Bona, is back at University in Hong Kong. She is getting a very fine education there and I am happy about that.

What I am not happy about is this English boyfriend of hers, who has now set up camp in Hong Kong, according to the security guys. I have never much liked the British and my distaste for them grew after 1999 when that gay gangster, Tony Blair took over as Prime Minister. He corrupted the whole country and I am afraid I will never be able to visit Britain again, even if that unfair travel ban is lifted.

I will never be free in that country like I am here in Zimbabwe.

What sort of country is it that does not allow you to beat up anyone who badmouthes you, I ask?

Still, Bona will come round. It is always like this with these young ones!

Our last born is with us here in Zimbabwe and having quite a time. He is now back at school, where I had to tell the headmaster to go to hell because he wanted school fees in foreign currency.

I told him that we are in Zimbabwe and we will use Zimbabwe dollars for our school fees. If he does not like it, he can take a hike. Our foreign currency (forex, as the young ones call it), is only for Bona's school fees in Hong Kong, Grace's shopping and things like that. We would never waste it on a Zimbabwean education.

I am thinking seriously about getting Chatunga to attend an international school, but there are so many foreigners who hate me at these school and I fear for him. So, for now, we have to make do with the local schools, which have been destroyed by the unfair and illegal sanctions imposed on us by Britain and America.

Speaking of which, Barak Obama has already been in touch. He says his hands are tied, he can not lift the sanctions because the people who funded his campaign, some group of super-rich people who control the world and who call themselves the Bilderberg Group, won't have any of it.

I told him to do like I do, lock them up and throw away the keys: problem solves. But he started mouthing off about democracy and freedom (my mind switched off at the first mention of "human rights"), so I hung up on him.

I hear he has since complained to Jacob Zuma, the new South African president, that I am impossible!!

Well, I will not be losing any sleep over that.

Anyway, I hear the combine harvester starting outside: it is time to go and do some work!!!

I will definitely try to be more available to you. Robert junior (he is taller than me now!) says it is good to keep in touch more frequently, so I will try to do as he says!!

Cheerio, till next time.

The Government, Tsvangirai and Grace

2009-03-24T01:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been away for a bit, but there was government to attend to. And a country to run, you see.

But first, Did you hear, Grace will not be facing any charges in Hong Kong for beating up that British photographer. Just as I expected, I say. She has diplomatic immunity, as it should be. That will teach those photographers not to get near us next time we pop over there to see our daughter at University. Even she, our daughter, has diplomatic immunity.

Then of course, there is the issue THIS GOVERNMENT WITH TSVANGIRAI. He is turning out to be not so bad, despite what some people say. Indeed, my hearing is not what it used to be, as some nosy ones have been told by people who are with me everyday. But I can still run the country fine, you see. I have not yet reached the stage where I need a hearing aid like Nelson Mandela.

This government of national unity thing is working out fine, as far as I can tell. Tsvangirai's crew has now admitted that there are indeed sanctions on Zimbabwe. Britain is hopping mad about all this, as they should, since they are the ones who turned the whole world against us on account of land that we took back.

But we are not playing games with Tsvangirai and the MDC here. We are in power, they were just brought in to sort out the mess they created by calling for sanctions. After that, we go our seperate ways. Unless, of course, the MDC agree to be swallowed like we did with the party of Joshua Nkomo.

My army guys certainly seem to think we can achieve the feat of getting the MDC to capitulate. It is only a matter of stirring the pot a bit. We are on our way.

On the home front, and regards domestic issues, we really are indeed deeply sorry about the death of Mirgan dear wife, Susan. I really feel for him. I know how it feels to lose a wife. Our hearts go out to him. Grace was going to take her under her own wing and teach her a few things about being the wife of a senior politician. But that never came to be.

Speaking of the accident, we are absolutely sure that the British and the Americans are up to something on this. White farmers seem to be involved and I fear they may be trying to kill the Prime Minister for finally seeing that I am not such a bad person after all.

Some people are saying that I had a hand in the accident. The locals and some Africans say I used voodo magic or witchcraft to cause that accident.

Then again, they also say that I used some magic to get rid of Levy Mwanawasa of Zambia, who died of a stroke!!! I must have very powerful sangomas indeed. I assure you, if anything supernatural happens, it is all down to my God and my ancestors protecting me.

They must just pay up, their sanctions on us caused all these problems we face in Zimbabwe. They must pay up, full stop.

As for the kids, well Bona is back in Hong Kong, at the university. She is doing well there, although I am not sure about her English boyfriend, whom the mother has seen but I have not. He is scared of me, apparently.

Well, it has been fun, so I will leave you to it, hey. See you soon soon. Cheerio.

Grace Beat Up An Englishman - Good on You, Darling!

2009-01-28T02:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I have been busy of late. Although I am supposed to be on holiday, there is still a government to be formed, you see.

Tsvangirai has been playing games but the SADC Heads of State have had enough of that! That is another story. I just wanted you to understand that I fully support my wife for beating up that impertinent photographer in Hong Kong. I wish I could do the same, but I am president and I can't. Besides, my bodyguards won't even allow me to get near these scum to teach them a lesson.

Truth is, I can still box and I would box those kids' ears good if I got a chance. Ask that gay gangster Peter Tatchell or whatever his name is. He got a black eye from me when he tried to "arrest" me a few years back and I beat him good. There are even photos of him nursing a black eye from me on the Internet!

Don't mess with the Mugabe's, is what I always say. We are from tough stock, you know.

Anyway, Grace is back here now, with Bona, our first born daughter, whom she gone to collect from Hong Kong University for her holidays. And we had a good laugh. These paparazzi think that they own the world and nothing can be done to them. They invade our privacy and do all sorts of nasty things, thinking the world belongs to them.

This is what Grace told me about that incident in Hong Kong: She was having a nice cuppa in the lounge of the Shang-ri La with Bona when this Jones fellow came up and asked sarcastically if she was enjoying her stay in a 5 star hotel while people died of Cholera in Zimbabwe. Mind you, this is cholera that the British themselves brought on us because of their sanctions on the country. We also suspect that they released the cholera into our cities in a bid to get us our people to rebel against us, you know.

She did not want any trouble, so she denied that she was Grace Mugabe and the guy walked away. She thought that was the end of it.

But when she left the hotel, there was this idiot again, snapping away. Now, she was not on official business, and if she is she is normally very tolerant of these photographers. So, she saw this fat thing snapping away at her and she snapped. She told Richard, one of her bodyguards to just get the camera from him and destroy the film or card if it was digital.

The photographer refused, clinging on to the camera because this meant money, filthy lucre! So Grace walked over to him and started whacking him over the head and face. She was wearing that beautiful wedding ring I got her when we wed and it caused some serious damage!

Grace managed to get the camera and to remove his card and stomp on it, so there will never be photos to prove it was her who did this.

We are denying everything to the Hong Kong Police. Not because we are afraid or anything. No. We just don't want the fuss. Besides, Grace has got diplomatic immunity, so she is not going to be answering any questions from anybody.

Anyway, Bona will be going back soon and she is enrolled under an assumed name at the University. Only the top people there know who she really is and she is having a ball. She even says she is dating now, although I have not seen the boyfriend yet. Her mother, Grace, has and she says he is a nice English boy, very respectful. We'll see, I may well be a grandfather soon if she is not careful!!

Anyway, I got to rush now, Moron Tsvangirai of the MDC called last night begging to see me. Claims there are people in his party who want to destroy the unity agreement when the Executive of the MDC meets on Friday, which is the day after tomorrow!

So I asked him to stop by today and have chat and I can give him advice and some pointers on how to whip his party into line. I don't have such indiscipline in my party and I can teach him how to also have the same amount of control in his own party.

I think he may not be as bad as his supporters make him out to be. He himself is sensible and correct, always respectful to me when we meet, "Comrade Preside this, Comrade President that, .......thank you sir......yes sir....." I am beginning to like him and may not even have to get him arrested after all.

Anyways, regards and cheers, I will spill the beans after I meet with him in a few minutes time.

We Never Tortured That Child

2009-01-17T04:07:00.000-08:00

So there is this whole noise about little Nigel. Some people where even saying that I was personally responsible for torturing that child. Well, I was nowhere near Chikurubi you know. I did not even about this kid until some smart alec decided to tell the world about this.

I admit it, we did torture the mother to get her to admit that she was a bandit for Morgan, but we did not torture the child, despite what that Denford Magora and those lawyers are saying. And even with the mother, it was not really torture, you know. You just smack them around a bit to show them who is boss. You can not call that torture. George Bush has done worse things.

So there you have another lie. Yes, the kid was in prison, but we did not touch him. We tortured the mother, I admit, but we are not doing anything George Bush has not done, you see.

But the way this Magora fellow went on and on about it, you'd think we were the first to break a ring of bandits. My first-born son, Robert Junior, surfs a lot and he is the one who told me about this Denford Magora blog and you have to see what he wrote to believe it. If you want, you can go to his blog and see his article by clicking on these words.

That is where he started a petition for the little boy and all the white people went crazy signing up. I guess it proved to them that I was a dictator or an ogre. We will deal with that Denford Magora, I tell you. No, we will not torture him or arrest him, otherwise his friends all over the world who rushed to to sign his blog will have another cause. We will just find other ways to make his life hell, you see.

On another note, Morgan has messed up my week, you know. I was supposed to fly off to Russia this coming week. Tomorrow, in fact. But now I can not do that, because Morgan managed to talk the South African president and the Mozambican president to come through here and hear him whine even more about ministries he wants from me.

Tough luck. I am supposed to be on holiday and I can tell you that the meeting is going to be very frosty, because he is disturbing my peace, you know. I am supposed to be resting, and he wants to come here with vexatious and ill-informed demands. He should be grateful I am even talking to him. I could have ignore him. I could have sent the army out and simply declared myself president as per my election in June, which he chickened out of because he saw I was going to beat him black and blue!

Speaking of which, we did indeed beat some of his supporters black and blue. They do not want to listen. They are told not to vote for Morgan. They are told they will be beaten if they do so, and still they persist. So they got they just deserts. And I got elected.

YOU GOT BUSH?: ELECTED. I am no dictator and those who keep calling me that are getting on my nerves.

Still, all is well, Morgan has agreed with me that I can not be removed from power. He will have to come and report to me as Prime Minister if he agrees to go into government with me. If not, we will see if we can beat him up again like we did two years ago, get him to see some sense, you see.

Right, my entry for the day is done. Do drop by and take a look around. I expect I should be off to Russia by the end of the week and I will also be updating my diary from there. Maybe in Russian, if I can find a translator whom Comrade Putin has not had shot or skewered.

My Holiday Photos!

2009-01-12T20:34:00.000-08:00

So I am back home after the short holiday in Malaysia. It was not really a holiday for me, my mind was back here, you know. There is a government to form and I can not trust any of these buggers I have around at the moment.

Anyway, I managed to see my doctor, Dr Mahmood Awang Kechik. He is actually a

urologist and at my age you have to get checked for prostate problems now and again. He says I am fine, so that is how I was able to come back so qucikly.

Grace and the kids are still in Malaysia and Robert Jnr convinced me that we should put up photos (taken by him mostly) of our little hideaway there. Normally, when they travel with me, we have to book into chalets, you see. The reason is that I have never liked hotel food. As I keep telling you all, I prefer traditional Zimbabwean food, so when I travel abroad, take with me my own food and our State House chef, who knows how to cook traditional Zimbabwean food.

So the family is booked in a chalet, thoughI suspect in my absence, they will be gorging on all

those foreign foods. Grace has had to put our last born, Bellamime Chatunga, on a diet, you know. At least three times. He was getting a bit full, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I am not so sure about all this, but Robert Jr says it is good public relations, below are the photos of our place in Malaysia, the place where we always stay on vacation. It is called Berjaya Langkawi Beach and Spa Resort. When Grace and the family come back, I will have more photos for you.

The first photo was taken by Junior is of our chalet, the Premier Chalet. The second photo is of the view from the balcony of our room. The third photo is Junior's own room and the last photo is our room, Grace and me. Tell me if you want more. Enjoy:

Imperialist Papers Lying About Me Again

2009-01-11T03:54:00.000-08:00

The Sunday Times is not from Zimbabwe. It is from South Africa and it controlled by white imperialists. The black faces are just window dressing. So I am not surprised that they have a story in today's edition claiming that my wife transferred US92 000 to Malaysia for our holiday?

Can you imagine the cheek! Liars. Lying imperialist gutter press! Let me set the record straight right here right now, because my wife is inconsolable now, won't stop crying because of this insult.

The truth is that we have NOT transferred US$92 000 to Malaysia. That is a lie. In fact, we have transferred US$392 000 to Malaysia. My wife is quite upset, because all her First Lady friends will think her poor now. What is ninety-two thousand dollars? What can you buy with it? It is not even enough just for accommodation, for crying out loud? What do these people take us for, beggars?

So let that record be set straight. We are not poor people who expect to live on a mere US$92 000 on holiday overseas. We have standards to maintain. I am one of the elder statesmen in Africa and I can not be expected to rough it when I take a much-needed break. I hope you spread the word, you see. We can not have people telling such nonsense about us!

Zimbabwe will never be colony again.

What, simply because we are black you think we can only afford US$92 000? So that when we get to Malaysia to we can rough it? That money quoted by the Sunday Times is only enough maybe for a night or two of camping, not living as a president should.

And we'd have to eat bread and baked beans just to make that pitiful amount last the entire holiday. No, ladies and gentlemen, 392 thousand is what we got, so you can forget about seeing me running off to the ablutions block early in the morning at some campsite in Malaysia. It is the good life for me. I spent 11 years in jail and this is my time to live it up!

I thought I would tell you all this in case you believe those lies.

If you don't mind, I have to and supervise the packing. Our youngest, Bellamime, is a handful and he may well pack a couple of grenades while we are not looking. Last holiday he stole an AK47 from one of my guards here and put it at the bottom of his suitcase. He then produced it at the Presidential Palace in Malaysia while we were paying a courtesy call there. There was pandemonium in that place and he escaped being shot by those pesky Asians only because the Malaysian president thought on his feet and reacted quickly to the sound of cocking guns.

So I have to be off.

Cheerio.

On Holiday, Yay!

2009-01-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

Soooo, I am on holiday now, although it's not much of a holiday because my work is never done! I must just say that starting this diary was a very good idea, I think. My son, Robert Junior, suggested this. And he set it up all for me. He also does what he calls "configuring" for my iphone. It is a phone from Apples, apparently, although it looks all steel to me. I can't find anything connected with apples in it except an icon (Oh, sorry, Robert Jnr says it's called a logo).

Anyway, I was saying I am on holiday but it is not really a holiday. For example, I have to go off to Russia just now and see President Putin. Oh, wait, he is Prime Minister now, he put some guy in as President. It's like what I am trying to do with Morgan Tsvangirai, that British puppet (I prefer the term Brutish puppet myself). Did you know, he was training bandits to topple me?! Can you imagine that? Topple me!!?

I will also be joining the family in Malaysia where they will be on holiday. I will probably go to the beach, although I will never wear a swimsuit and I forbid my wife from wearing one. Our culture does not allow for us to parade around naked. But speaking of Morgan........

Anyway, to stay in power, one has to be pragmatic, you see, so I allow him to become Prime Minister and I remain in charge. I am getting on a bit, so he can see to the repairing of the economy that he destroyed CALLING FOR SANCTIONS, idiot! (I guess you can tell I am pretty pissed off about all this. Why call for sanctions on me and not on my friend Yoweri Museveni, for instance, who is just as bad? Or on Putin, in fact? What about my dear friend Mswati? Why pick on me? I'll tell you: it is because I took back land from their white children. But I am not going back on that one. I have just asked Didymus (he is a bit thick but useful when you want stuff done) to ensure that we give some of those white farmers 99 year leases. You should be hearing about this in a couple of week or so. But they will never get their title deeds back. Even Morgan agrees on that one.

And I got a call from President Motlanthe yesterday. Tsvangirai wanted a meeting with me, you see. He is afraid because we rumbled his banditry corner shop and thinks we are going to arrest him if he comes back. So he wanted a meeting to get reassurance.

I am not interested. Neither is Motlanthe. Comrade Mbeki is the mediator and Morgan must learn to deal with him instead of trying to undermine him.

Morgan is a bit thick, you know, like Didymus. He shouted at Mbeki, did you hear? And now he has got no friends in SADC. Whereas, in the same SADC, they are ALL my friends! Morgan (His name should be spelt Moron) has a lot to learn and I could have taught him if he was not so damned stupid that he allows little girls from America calling themselves Undersecretaries of State etc to order him around.

Anyway, my porridge is getting cold. I have to go. I eat porridge made from millet every morning, and I add peanut butter to it. I love peanut butter on everything, including biltong, which I eat with my sadza (South Africans call it Pap!)

I'll tell you more soon. Right now, I got to eat porridge, I am starving after my exercises (I do yoga as well as walking up and down the stairs at the house here in Helensvale every morning. It works a treat for my appetite!)

Cheerio, see you soon, Come back, you hear, or I will have my boys come round and talk to you. Ask Morgan, you don't want my boys talking to you.

My Diary

2009-01-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

So there I was over Christmas with Bellamime and Robert Jnr and Bona and Grace, at home. And we'd just finished eating our roast turkey (the sauce was yummy). I don't much like all these other foods.

I like my traditional food. Grace will tell you I will only ever eat sadza made from millet flour, not maize meal (ugh). I also like my vegetables, so I enjoyed the peas Grace put together with the turkey. The second course was fish, which is a bit better. I remember going off fishing when I was younger, but sometimes I would lose the fishing rods from being engrossed in a book or somethin.

Right, I am assuming you know who I am. Half the world hates me and the other just loves me to bits. You may well hate me, but I'vr never let that bother me.

I had to fire a few ministers a couple of days back and it wasn't a tough job at all. Most of them had been camapigning for that little boy, Simba Makoni. But I still have a heart, you know - I waited until after Christmas to fire them.

And they also drive away in their ministerial Benzes, you see. They have a nice pension and all the rest of it and I know most of them had started businesses when they were ministers, so I don't feel guilty at all. In fact, I feel pretty damn angry. They are counter revolutionaries, backstabbers and idiots. I really ought to have arranged for them to be covered in honey and left on an anthill out in the Savannah. (Hwange Game Reserve is particularly nice this time of the year what with the rains and the whole place green and lush.

So, as I was saying, I fired them and now I am waiting on that puppet of the British, Tsvangirai, to show up, so that we can get this show on the road. He is giving all sorts of excuses: oh, I need my passport, so we give him the damn thing, or I need that minsitry - so we give to him, oh, and that one as well........Good god, man, shut up! Do as you are told. After all, I am the president, I am your boss....

Oh, sorry, have to go, I need to catch the 9 p.m. bulletin on CNN, our local news, which starts at 8, is quite boring, I never watch it. I mean, they just repeat of footage of me as a young man and can't stop going on and on about me. Quite depressing. Despite my robuts health I am 84 years old , you know, and it really isn't nice to have to look at yourself when you were 55. Depresing, that's the word.

So if you don't mind, I leave you for a bit.

Check in anytime This is my diary, I will be sharing with you my thoughts and my life. Isn't technology wonderful? I don't know, I am 84 and I never imagined any of this. I even have a cellphone. I could have got a private jet if I wanted, but there is no point when I can take any aeroplane I want at any time from Air Zimbabwe.